The web site Birth.Movies.Death posted a recap of the plot points of John Wick: Chapter Two for people who feel the need to recall the important developments in the movie that happened prior to the new one, John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum, but who gives a flying snap-kick about the plot? To a John Wick movie? He’s a trained assassin belonging to a secret society of trained assassins!
In the first one, John Wick, somebody assassinated his dog, and he got really mad and did assassin stuff, and then in the second one, who cares? More fighting and assassinating! He got into a 45-minute fight with Common in between shooting and stabbing and skull-fracturing everybody, and he lived to assassinate another day, and with that in mind, here’s what we think Mr. Wick will do in John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum.
- Punches somebody in the gun and the gun ends up assassinating somebody who is not John Wick
- Stabs a bullet with a sword
- Cuts a bullet in half with a sword and the halves of the bullet assassinate two assassins
- Rides a horse (DISCLOSURE: We saw a commercial for the movie, and in one part he’s riding a horse) onto an airplane and kills a bunch of assassins on the airplane without getting off the horse, and the horse has a sword
- Using a photo of his dead wife Helen, paper-cuts an assassin across the throat
- Kills a guy with a dog, like, he takes a dog and throws it at a guy and the dog assassinates the guy’s neck
- Pokes somebody in the eye with a bullet
- Kills somebody with one of the coins all the assassins use to pay for the goods and services they need for assassinating
- Kicks a guy in the nuts and that guy’s nuts swing back and hit the nuts of a guy standing behind him, and they are assassinated
- Kills a guy with his mind
- Kills a guy with his dog’s mind
- Lays the New York Times crossword puzzle over the back of someone’s neck and solves it using an ice pick
- Kills the Van Wyck Expressway
- Snaps someone’s neck with a magician’s string of red and blue handkerchiefs, transforms the handkerchiefs to yellow and green handkerchiefs, snaps someone else’s neck with those
- Assassinates a roomful of assassins using only the wick from an “Alfresco Afternoon” scented Yankee Candle
- Assassinates a motorcycle by jamming an electric scooter into its spokes
- Gently remonstrates with someone, in the Epilogue
- Punches a guy right in the Epilogue
