I enjoy hot coffee with cream and sugar, lotsa cream, lotsa sugar. There’s an anachronistic Greater New England–ism about “coffee regular,” and that’s how I like my coffee, and I like my coffee how I like my coffee. Iced coffee, I drink black, lotsa ice, but I just can’t drink hot coffee black, and I can’t go for more than a week without a cuppa candy coffee. What I do is, during the week, I just go half & half, no sugar, and then on the weekend after a luxurious breakfast I enjoy coffee my way, light and sweet, just like me.
When I say “cream,” I mean Half & Half, which is half cream and half milk, I think, I never bothered to examine the recipe. What I do know is it’s full of fat and it’s made out of cow, and if I could use something else to help Green New Deal the planet, I would, I have tried.
Also the other day at the dentist, another one of the things my health-advocate dental hygienist told me was to skip anything “fat free” because it’s loaded with bad carbohydrates.
Look, they made an Impossible Burger out of plants and it caters to meat eaters SO HARD. The other day the New York Times ran a picture of one on a grill, and the burger, IT BLEEDS. Look at that thing, if you are an unreconstructed meat eater, you can SMELL that thing on that grill. I am 100 on board for IMPOSSIBLE WHOPPER, and I live in a constant state of anticipation of the announcement of IMPOSSIBLE BEEF-A-RONI, or maybe IMPOSS-A-RONI.
Meanwhile, I have tried almond milk and creamer products, various soy creamers, Land O’Lakes Fat Free Half & Half, and most recently, some stuff made out of sunflower seeds and pea protein. I plunked down $3.50 for a bottle of the sunflower-pea stuff, and it’s a bad lie. The outside of the bottle is wrapped in translucent white so you won’t notice that the gloop inside is kinda gray. Not real gray, just gray enough so that it doesn’t look right. Also it doesn’t taste like Half & Half when I dump it in my coffee. Soy creamer knows it failed, so it doesn’t even try to tell you it’s half and half, it’s always too thin, and the only way they make it work is to flavor it with vanilla. Almond milk is chemically vile and thin, with a solid fake-almond tang even though it’s made out of almonds, it turned the very thing from which it is made into a poorly-executed falsehood. Learn from Impossible Burger! Lie better!